Passion in a long marriageHow to Bring Passion Back Into Your Relationship With Your Husband

Why does passion fade in a relationship?

Passion fades from habit: years of the same script, in the same position, at the same time, after the children have fallen asleep. Novelty in a long-term couple does not appear by itself; it has to be brought in.

This happens to a great many people. The British study Natsal-3 showed that the frequency of sex in the country fell over a decade, and fell most among those who are married or living together. The 2018 review by Mark and Lasslo also links the decline in desire to the length of the relationship. So it is not that you are “the wrong couple”.

Passion, though, does not come back on schedule. It is brought back by actions, and the first of them is the hardest: to stop waiting for your husband to come up with something himself one day. One more thing: any trick from the table on its own gives you one evening. Passion holds when the body responds, there is no “not allowed” in your head and you have energy left for yourself, all at the same time. I always look at these three levels together.

What to do when passion is gone: start with honest sex

It is hard to bring passion back into sex in which you get no pleasure. So the first step is to stop faking and start talking about what you like.

Faking seems harmless: to encourage your husband, to finish sooner, not to hurt him. But having lied once, you will have to lie a second and a third time. He sincerely believes he is doing everything right and carries on the same way. You become a hostage to the situation, lose interest, and the dissatisfaction builds up and bursts out in arguments over nothing. One man in my survey put it very precisely: “Don’t fake it. It takes away my chance to get better with you.”

Instead, show him where and how it feels good to you. Take his hand and guide it. Praise every pleasant move, with words, sounds, your body. Ask him to stroke your clitoris during sex, or do it yourself. Orgasm in a couple comes more easily to the woman who knows her body and is not shy about giving hints, and I write about this in more detail in my article on the female orgasm.

Oral communication works wonders. Talk to him about sex in words.

A simple homework task for a couple: print out two lists, what women want from men in bed and what men want from women, and discuss them point by point. I once collected lists like these from my followers, and the conversations they spark can be very candid. This is exactly what my intensive “An Honest Manual for Men and Women” is built on (the intensive is in Russian and Ukrainian): you don’t explain things to him directly, you simply play him the recording, and then the two of you go through the therapeutic game “I Want to Know You Better” with its 55 questions and the lesson “Talking about feelings”.

How to reignite the fire: initiative and hints

Many women wait for years for the man to take the initiative first. In the end he waits for her to want it, and she waits for him to want it.

There are usually three reasons. Upbringing: “a man’s word is law”, “decent girls don’t make the first move”. The stereotype that “a man is a hunter; if you start first, he’ll lose his desire”. And a bad experience: you once invited him to the bedroom, and he was worn out from work and said “not tonight”. The hurt stayed, and you no longer dare to invite him. His tiredness that evening said something about his day and nothing at all about your attractiveness.

A wife’s sexual interest turns a husband on more often than it scares him off. When I asked my readers how they hint to their husband that they want sex, the most common answer was: I say it straight, “I want you!” The other options were more inventive: red knickers as a secret sign, a message during the day, a shared code phrase that only the two of you understand.

Role play: how to bring passion back in bed

Role play is the simplest way to bring novelty into a long marriage. It gives you the chance to be someone you will never be in ordinary life, and to see your husband from an unexpected side.

It is easiest to start with fantasies. Each of you writes yours out on a sheet of A4, you swap, and you choose the scenario you will act out first. Then you need a character and a couple of items from the wardrobe. The rules I advise sticking to:

1. Don’t take the game too seriously. If he steps out of the scenario, laugh rather than take offence.
2. Start a few hours before the meeting, for example with a playful message during the day.
3. Meet already in character, so as not to break the magic of the transformation.
4. Improvise. A scenario written out line by line will disappoint you when he forgets his.
5. The game must have a beginning and an end. Don’t tear the clothes off in the first minute, and remember that one of you reaching orgasm is not yet the end of the game.
6. Agree on a safe word that stops everything if someone has crossed a line.
7. Talk the game over afterwards, in a calm setting, and praise more than you criticise.

Don’t fuss over acting skills. There is no audience in bed, and hang-ups get in the way more than a fluffed line.

Fantasies: how to talk about them without a fight

Sharing a fantasy with your husband is scary, but such moments of candour bring you closer than many dates do. The main rule: fantasies do not define a person’s character.

If you are ashamed of yours, remember that a fantasy gives an impulse to arousal and says nothing about your morals. If his frighten you, don’t shame him for them, or he will remember that being honest with you is not safe. Don’t take them personally: the fact that he dreams about something does not mean you are not enough for him. And look for a compromise. You can discuss a scenario, watch a film together or get a toy, instead of letting a third person into your real life. What is acceptable in your couple is decided by the two of you alone, and I write about how to negotiate that in my article on boundaries and consent in bed.

How to keep passion alive in a long-distance relationship

At a distance, passion rests on messaging, voice and the anticipation of meeting. Explicit messages and photos work, as long as you keep yourself safe.

Before you press “send”, think three times: are you ready to see this photo in a stranger’s hands. Cover your face, moles and tattoos. Watch the background; a recognisable interior gives you away as surely as a face. Check that photos are not being copied to the family tablet through a shared account. Don’t send anything after alcohol. And delete everything straight away, including the “recently deleted” folder.

The 3-6-9 rule and how to know whether the relationship can still be saved

The 3-6-9 rule circulates on the internet as a scheme of crises in the third, sixth and ninth month or year. I have never come across such a rule in desire research; different couples hit crises at different times.

A different question matters more: do you both want to change something. If there is respect between you and no violence, and your husband is at least willing to try, passion comes back. If you don’t want your husband at all, even without any routine, first work out why you don’t want your husband and read about the model I love him but don’t want him. Exercises for two are in my course “Sexual Compatibility in a Couple” (the course is in Russian and Ukrainian), along with the game “30 Days of Intimacy” and its instructions, and you can work through your own couple with me at an online consultation.